In the winter of 2012, I started sliding into depression. I've wanted to write about it many times – especially after the suicides of my comrades Arpad Miklos and Wilfried Knight – but I wasn't up to the task. Now, in the wake of the death of Robin Williams, I am reminded about the importance of talking about depression.
I'm still here because of the love and support of family and friends. It isn't always easy. On my worst days, reaching out for help doesn't seem possible.
The details of what caused my depression are private, but I will say this: my age did not cause my depression. I do not do drugs and I am not a big drinker, so addiction did not cause my depression. And porn did not cause my depression.
In the beginning, however, my involvement in porn often kept me from reaching out. "Who," I wondered, "would ever help me? No one wants to listen to a sad porn guy." Foolishness, to be sure.
To anyone reading this – especially my fellow sex workers – I want you to know your life matters. We want you healthy, happy and here. Take care of yourself. If you aren't able, there is help.
If you or someone you know is struggling with depression, isolation, or thoughts of suicide, visit the Trevor Project’s website or call the confidential, 24-hour hotline at 1-866-488-7386. In the U.S., you can also call 1-800-273-8255 for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Also visit the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention to find information and resources.
Lots of love,